Isolation, Fear, Shame and Pain Are ED's Gifts

When I was about 14, my family imploded. Yelling, belittling, frequent corporal punishment, neglect, and so much shame. Inappropriate sexual talk and behaviors confessed, put our family's existence at risk. In grade school, I had been bullied. My nose was very prominent, and the entire bus would chant loudly. Kids would corner me in the bathroom and at the bus stop. My parents didn't believe me and would spank me for my damaged or missing books. I would get sick on the bus and at school, from the anxiety and fear. Mom would be so angry when she was called to pick me up. At home I was afraid, and at school I was always trying to hide. In high school I saw the male attention my thinner friend got. I figured that I would be wanted by someone if I could just be more like her. Everywhere I saw hostility or fear, I just wanted to have a way to control something in my life and possibly gain some acceptance.

My Eating Disorder (ED) became my abusive friend. **Trigger warning = behaviors** I used the degradation and feelings of worthlessness to feed my abusive exercise and it kept me from eating anything for days. After 3-5 days, I would usually break. I would binge to the point where I didn't even need to stimulate a reflex to purge. The shame of being unable to maintain my restriction, only made me more dedicated. Caffeine pills kept me going. The amount of weight I lost was empowering. My weight loss was noted by doctors that treated me for uncontrolled vomiting and amenorreah. I was running 3-6 miles 6 days a week, with a 1-3 hours of calesthenics most days. Through the years, my behaviors and weight changed drastically. I never seemed to go more than 7 years without a severe restriction and abusive exercise period. I became a personal trainer, group exercise instructor, and learned an extensive amount of what I could do to accelerate the losses. I wonder what I could have done with the shocking amount of time, effort and concentration my ED took

I denied the many consequences I experienced, as a result of my ED behaviors. The electrolyte imbalances, passing out, dizziness, swelling legs, irritable bowels, reflux, irregular heartbeats, kidney distress, stress fractures, and chronic pain. I saw that Karen Carpenter died of a heart dysrhythmia, but I felt I was no where near that bad. I was receiving lots of attention for the weight loss and my intense work outs. The Navy rewards people for that kind of insane behaviors. Along the way I was diagnosed with bipolar. The mania made me have endless energy. I didn't need sleep or food. I became competitive and sometimes aggressive. The depression kept me from eating, and when I did get out of bed I found the abusive exercise gave my ED a boost. Finally, I have come to understand what is going on. Once I began to eat all food groups, in moderation, and balance, my memory improved, my digestive tract regulated, my nails and hair became stronger, and my moods are more even. I still have chronic pains from injuries and a fatty liver. But, I have the pleasure of food, healthy social interactions, better sleep, and am slowly learning to care for my body. This blog is both to share my experiences and to put my story our there. It's still very difficult to share what's happening with family and co-workers.

Most of the images on this blog have been self portraits. I am attempting to accept and learn to love my body as it is. It's not a straight line, but it's gonna be worth the journey.