Perfection paralysis

I have been trying to make another post for weeks. I have started 3, but didn't feel that the name worked, or that I had enough material, the organization was wrong, would anyone care to read it, what art should go with it..... and so many other reasons that I couldn't finish. This blog isn't necessarily meant to be some huge, ground breaking, revelation, or all encompassing educational resource. This blog is for me. It's for me to verbalize my anger and frustration at the influences that we are all exposed to (willingly and not), which attempt to shame us into buying a membership, purchasing equipment, restricting one nutrient for another, spend on a book or packaged process. We are never good enough. If we are ever told that we are close, then we are told that we will lose that level of perfection if we don't do X or Y, liposuction, reductions, tucks, resurfacing, bleaching, hair removal, eye lash extensions, teeth whitening, fake nails, implants, sculpting, and so much more. When we see a tiny new born, we see perfection. We see the beautiful creature full of potential; beautiful, and innocent. Who would do any of those procedures on a baby? So why do them to ourselves?

I've been in treatment for over 6 months. I'm questioning if I am ready to graduate to a support team (Eating Disorder specialist Dietician, Therapist and Psychiatrist) and meetings. My Dietician praised the extensive changes I've made. It made me think about what I may be doing differently than the other clients (note: one of my most harmful behaviors is to compare myself to others). I was so desperate for help, I just began to shed those barriers, beliefs, and behaviors that they rejected. I truly let go and trust the process they had provided. The Meadows Ranch uses exchanges (strictly measured portions), and the Center For Discovery encourages the use of guidelines (measurements are approximations using fingers, handfuls, and thumb tips as a guide). Both programs provide meal plans that direct the starch (or grains), protein, fats, vegetables, fruits, and dairy. Water is required for every meal during treatment. Phrases like: "All foods fit." "Health at every size." "Variety, Balance and Moderation." "Don't should all over yourself." "Don't yuck my yum." We avoid discussing body size descriptors when possible. We don't discuss the latest diets, or exercise fads without being in a group moderated by a staff member. We avoid telling one another about the things that we did (our ED behaviors) to meed diet culture's always changing, unreasonable demands (the #s lost, gained, etc). We get classes and activities on Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT), Body Acceptance, Path to Peace, Nutrition in the News, Mindful Movement, Kitchen Skills, Nutrition Science, and my favorite Art Therapy. We have sessions with our assigned Dietician weekly. Our mental health Therapist see us 1-2 times a week. In residential treatment at the Meadows Ranch I participated in Equine Therapy, the Brain Center, Recreational Therapy (trust, relationship building, teamwork, asking for assistance, thinking outside of the box, etc), acupuncture and 12 step groups (AA & EDA). We are expected to prepare our own meals with assistance of CFD staff. At MR we were assigned into groups where we would rotate, meal prep for everyone, by a planned 4 week rotating menu. The MR, being a residential treatment facility, has a week for family treatment. My husband came and it was life changing. I will discuss that in another post. I also participated in trauma week. That was very difficult, and I know I held back more. I've never been comfortable with those super intense emotions. I guess it's because my Dad always threatened us when he saw even limited emotional distress. I can't figure out why else that would be.

I'm not sure why I went into all of the treatment specifics. I guess I wanted context. There are so many books and Ted Talks. Brene Brown is the shame expert. Pia Melody is the expert of CoDependency, Love Addiction and more. So much that it became a bit overwhelming. But it all supports the lessons and statements made by the Eating Disorder treatment processes.